Books and cards

I decided to take 1 month off from the distraction that Facebook is. Most of it due to receiving a message from my biological father there that he was not interested in any kind of relationship with me on Facebook, he also already blocked me from his phone and his e-mail. I guess he wants me to travel the 850 or so kilometers to him? He never said. I got hurt and upset. I was already very depressed and for some reason this propelled my right out on the other side. I am all calm now, nothing can touch me.

The cards I used this week was the mottled in brown and green Secret Forest. I used it before and like the murky colours and the figures that you more guess at then make out clearly. It’s a mood-tarot. Just throw away the LWB and all meanings and step into the forest and hang out a while.

This time I only pulled a card when I felt for it and then left it out all week. By the end of the week (today) I still only got 3 cards but only took photos of these two due to poor lighting.

For the first I see a figure by a tough tree, digging into the mountain. It made me think of roots, and what holds me into place. The figure looks like she is ready for battle with spear and shield, or is this the moment just after the fight? The contemplation over just what she won or lost?

The second card is Temperance pouring and mixing and fixing and mending dividing and being way to preoccupied with getting it just right, making sure it is fair. It never ends though – the water in those cups, it is really overflowing just she cannot be SURE it is. She might run out…

 

I got a package with books today and that makes me feel like this weekend will be a GREAT one.

 

I had and read a few of the Proust earlier but this is the year I will finish them all 😀

 

Emblem

Looking back on the week that passed I seem to have pulled a lot of coins and so today too. 3 of coins shows a bird in the middle of a circle of branches, like an emblem, or like a brooch my grandmother would have worn. The bird clearly built it’s cage/nest but is also a part of it, tiny branches attached to it. It looks to be a work in progress though. In the upper corner of the image we see a bird in silhouette in the distance. Perhaps it’s mate?

Autumn is when people up here start ‘nesting’ We look after our houses, insulate them, stock up on wood, change curtains to richer, warmer fabrics, lay out the rugs we took away for the summer. My nest is ’empty’ too although of course I do not see it that way. This nest of mine is filled with books, blankets, cats, radio on in the kitchen, scent of cooking and baking, people passing by to say hi and come in for a coffee…

Oh I know my grandmother would have loved this brooch by the way. When I was 7 I once stole a brooch from her, I felt bad about it for weeks, well years actually. It was nothing fancy, just a little tuft of the softest thing I ever felt. I stroked it to my face. She said it was a piece of the fur from the tummy of a porcupine. I don’t know if she just made it up, but she made it sound real. I had to have it! Of course she must have known I took it but she never confronted me about it, I wish now she had. Then I would have felt awful a day or two and not guilty for being a thief for decades.

Rose antlers

Today’s couple makes my mind spin. These are 2 beautiful cards but the associations for me today are not all pleasant. The buck with a cross and rose antlers, petals falling like drops of blood, makes me think (yet again) about sacrifices. And then the plums on the card next to it makes me think of this crazy cult I was in where they kept smirking and saying that the Lord’s servants with be known by their ‘fruit’ implying of course that their fruit was so much better then anyone elses.

So I have to make an effort to shuffle that away and just look and feel the cards for what they mean for me right now, right here. And then I close my eyes and think of my mothers garden, of her roses and her plums, of how they look today, slightly ruffled and just on the verge of wilting in the autumn chill. It makes me think of how she worked hard with her hand in that garden and how we all enjoy the beauty of it, the scents and taste of it.

Me, I am a bit too squirmish for garden work, I cringe at bugs and worms, I whine over having to dig into hard soil. I am a lazy gardener that likes to take shortcuts. My moms hands are welted and full of cuts, blood like the rose petals… I admire that passion and dedication and hope that one day I can be just like that with my garden.

Offerings and sacrifices

Todays couple gives two versions of the concept of giving out of yourself. One is the Hanged man – a sacrifice, a pin through the back, putting you on display, cruel but think a step further is there is wisdom and knowledge on display there. The second is Page of Cups offering his flower, open, grounded and secure. He is showing his heart without anticipating pain.

Coming from a long line of passive-aggressive women I often feel like the fey on display, pinned down by my own frustration. There is a willingness to sacrifice but will it ever be appreciated as I need it to be? Better then to just be open and frank and simply give what I can and not make such a fuss about it :-p

Cards from Secret Forest Tarot. Copyright Lo Scarabeo

Secret forest

This week I picked out the Tarot of the Secret Forest, a Lo Scarabeo deck with art by Lucia Mattiolo where the backsides are black/white sketches of the fronts, but really more then that, they seem almost like negatives. This is a deck that photograph badly though due to the very muted color-scale, so I went the route of using scans from Albideuter instead. Instead of just one card it felt right to pull 2 and let them create a short sentence.

Today’s cards are 9 of Swords and 6 of Discs. The sentence in my journal is: My wounded armour prevents me from clearly seeing the the gifts I receive. For me it is a signal to stop locking myself in and just go out – look up and breath. Tonight the sky is dark but the air is crisp and clear. The stars falling in the right cards mimic the fallen swords/leaves to the left. It’s all about what I make out of it.